The British Press vs Downton Abbey and Two Etiquette Sleuths; Historians or Hysterians?

 Maura Graber and I are fans of the British T.V. program Downton Abbey and we have discovered several complaints of  historical inaccuracies being posted on line about the show. We decided to investigate the concerns and collaborated to create this post in response to the "Hysterians" that seek to poison the well of others enjoyment of the show. Enjoy and we welcome your comments.

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As a fan of the first season of the critically acclaimed and popular Downton Abbey, I shared my DVD copy with fellow etiquette enthusiast, guest blogger and consultant, Demita Usher. She enjoyed it as thoroughly as I, and we have been waiting for the second season of the show to be broadcast in the U.S. As fans of the show, we have a few words for those making criticism in the British press.

Imagine our surprise upon seeing the following headline in The Daily Telegraph; Downton Abbey: historical inaccuracies and mistakes plaguing ITV show or this one in the U.K. Daily Mail; Downton shoots itself in the foot as gun enthusiast gives both barrels over historical inaccuracies

Historians, (or could they possibly be hysterians?), make numerous assertions regarding the historical accuracy of the series. One article quotes "historian and broadcaster, A.N. Wilson", as saying, "... the portrayal of country house life was sanitised fantasy."  Whereas Julian Fellowes, Oscar-winning creator of Downton Abbey, strongly defended the show's script by saying that he believes the "the programme is pretty accurate". Adding, "The real problem is with people who are insecure socially, and they think to show how smart they are by picking holes in the programme to promote their own poshness and to show that their knowledge is greater than your knowledge."  Indeed!

Now, we are not trying to be posh, nor do we want to show "how smart we are", we simply would like to defend Julian Fellowes, by providing a bit of historical perspective. As for those who are offering their comments and criticisms to the press regarding the authenticity of the clothing for a local hunt, the road sign, aerial attached to a house, etc... we won't quibble with you on those points.  We will simply discuss the criticism of cultural terminology and popular common phrases in use during the Edwardian period.

Hysterian Assertion #1- The word "boyfriend" was not used during this time.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following: Official report of debates Council of Europe. Parliamentary Assembly, Council of Europe, page 470 (1895): "... from yesterday's edition of The Times of London which states, 'A woman who joined a company run by fundamentalist Christians was required to sign an undertaking that she would not live with her boyfriend."

From Wenderholme: A story of Lancashire and Yorkshire By Philip Gilbert Hamerton, Page 301, (1876): "This cheered Edith's heart considerably, but still there was a certain moisture in her eyes as she bade farewell to her boyfriend."

From The life and remains of Douglas Jerrold By Blanchard Jerrold, Douglas William Jerrold Page 331 (1859): "My early boyfriend, Laman Blanchard, and Kenny Meadows, a dear friend too, whose names have become musical in the world's ear, were of that society — of that knot of wise and jocund men ..."

Hysterian Assertion #2- The Phrase "get shafted" was not used until the 1960's.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Debates: official report, Volume 2, Canada House of Commons (1888): "I do not know what assurance can be given that people can be guaranteed that they do not get shafted, to the favour of some other group."

Hysterian Assertion #3- Footman Thomas Barrow, played by Rob James-Collier, used the words "get knotted" in the October 9 episode

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in: The Westminster Review, Volume 124, Page 402 (1885): In foreign affairs, when they get knotted, a Special Commissioner is appointed to report upon the situation, and to advise as to means of unravelling the tangled skein of affairs.

Hysterian Assertion #4- Head housemaid Anna Smith (Joanne Froggatt) told John Bates (Brendan Coyle) in last week's drama set in 1917 "So everything in the garden is rosy?"

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Fraser's magazine, Volume 19 By Thomas Carlyle, page 606 (1879): He looked so rosy, so cheerful, so placid, such a picture of rewarded philosophy and virtue, surely he must be the happiest of mortals.

From: Vanity Fair: A novel without a hero, By William Makepeace Thackeray, Page 95, (1845): The honest Irish maid-servant, delighted with the change, asked leave to kiss the face that had grown all of a sudden so rosy.

From: The complete works of William Shakespeare By William Shakespeare, Johnson: Page 556, (1863): Me of my lawful pleasure she restrain'd, And pray'd me, oft, forbearance: did it with A pudenc-y so rosy, the sweet view on't Might vvelghave warm'd old Saturn; that I thought er As chaste as unsunn'd snow :—O, all the devils! (And Shakespeare actually wrote this over 200 years earlier!)

 

Hysterian Assertion #5- "... some viewers have baulked at the use of the word "boyfriend", as well as the concept of a "professional woman", which is used to describe a maid who wants to leave domestic service to become a secretary." We find the latter half of that statement most amusing, as there are so many, many references to the term "professional women" in newspapers and in books from the 1800s. Too many to choose from, so we picked the cream of the crop, and they are as follows...

Historian Actuality We will gladly cite all of them for any readers asking, but we feel that the article in an 1898 New York Times, referencing the spirited ongoing debate in the pages of U.K.'s The Daily Telegraph, titled "Should Wives Work?  Opinions of English Men & Women-What an American Woman Thinks About It" quite plainly spells it out, especially in the sixth paragraph in Part 1 posted here.  It quotes a British reader's comment in The Daily Telegraph, "Several professional women, talking sensibly of the subject, say that their business life will make them more careful in the choice of a husband ..."

Or then there is the article from New Zealand's The Auckland Star newspaper from 1899.  One of the paragraphs in a story by a London correspondent on the recent happenings at The International Women's Congress, London July 14 is actually titled "The Professional Woman".

So it makes us wonder what exactly qualifies contributors to be called "historians".  Demita Usher and I wouldn't dare refer to ourselves as "historians".  There is so much we do not know.  However, we are "history enthusiasts" and we certainly loved Downton Abbey here across the pond.  It is with great anticipation that we wait to watch the second season of the program, and in the meantime, comments made by your historians, or "hysterians" if you will, have kept us entertained while we wait.

But don't fret Great Britain, as I also stumbled onto this headline; Kate Middleton Named 2011's Best-Mannered Person, Kim Kardashian Slammed as "Most Ill-Mannered" Kudos to Kate!

Role Models: Example or Excuse?

Girl At the Mirror  by Norman Rockwell

The term role model generally means any "person who serves as an example, whose behaviour is emulated by others".

The term first appeared in Robert K. Merton's socialization research of medical students. Merton hypothesized that individuals compare themselves with reference groups of people who occupy the social role to which the individual aspires.

-From Wikepedia

"I ain't no role model." - A famous rap artist

"She literally has millions of young people following her. I thought and still do think, that it would be very responsible of her to be a part of this film, To have the young people that look up to her, see her in a film that is about, what happens in life when you make the wrong choices. Whether you're aware of it or not, to be honest with you I wasn't, millions of young people adore her and are following her every move."

 - A famous directors written defense to cast a reality show star in his movie after her questionable public behavior.

According to the book "Our Glorious Century 1940-1950", among the people  young teenagers considered to be  their role models in the 1940's were Abraham Lincoln and Eleanor Roosevelt.  Today reality show stars and other entertainers who emulate behavior that is at times self-destructive towards themselves and others are the images that children are following in the footsteps of  I am sad to say.

 It seems to me that alot of famous people in this day and time seem to despise the implication that their behavior when it is negative carries great influence on the people (especially young children)  that follow them. They state that their private lives are their own, they don't want to be branded with the responsibility of being a role model, but they want the perks of being one because after all , who else would buy the music, buy the books, watch their reality shows, go see their movies, and buy the products they are  promoting except those that they heavily influence?


 While I do not let these people off the hook, I present the question, how much power do we sign over to people we are facinated by with our support even if the behavior is poor? Do we co-sign with this famous directors decision to cast a woman whose claim to fame was a sex tape because she has millions of followers on Twitter? A fire only grows when you feed it.  The reason these type of  role models seem to be more popular these days is because we create the demand for them  and in like our children imitate our choices. We tune in to watch women pull each others hair, call each other terrible names, we watch young adults get intoxicated, get into fights and throw up,  then we act "surprised" when our children imitate what they see and post it on You Tube! Are we creating a demand for more positive images for our children to look up to besides us or do we consider those people "weird" as we continue to enjoy watching people self-destruct before our very eyes?


 100 years ago people understood that even the "appearance" of questionable behavior could have far reaching effects and people guarded their reputations very carefully. This is not to say that poor behavior did not exist, but people saw such behavior as something  to be ashamed and not to be repeated or imitated. They clearly understood that if they wanted to keep their private lives private, they had to avoid behavior that could go "public".  We have a responsibility to how we behave  and carry ourselves whether we like it or not, whether we are famous or not because each of us somewhere and in some way is a role model to someone. 

For Crying Out Loud

To be a successful hostess, when guests arrive say, At last! and when they leave say, So soon!

~Anonymous

COURTSHIP: Out of the Mouths of Babes

It's hard to believe these days instead of these little romantic cute dances all they have is grinding, bad words, disrespect,.... shaking...ugh. I'm 14 and I want my prom to be like this... :(

-A You Tube Commenter

The above comment was posted by a 14 year old girl  in regards to the YouTube clip from the movie "Saturday Night Fever" . John Travolta's character is dancing with his partner to the Bee Gees song, "More than a woman". It is a very romantic dance indeed, a simple dance with no sexual overtones.  In the midst of  (in my humble opinion) an oversexualized society where sex sells everything, here is a young lady born at the end to the 1990's who is sad that there is no sincere romantic exchange between men and women, just simulated sex on the dance floor. For her to make that comment is very telling of the kind of interaction she has either witnessed or experienced in her young life. A fourteen year old should not have to experience this type of sadness for something so early in her life.  She is not alone, a month earlier another commenter simply said this:
this is my dream prom night.... 

Wow, I am speechless! She said this is what she dreamed of for her prom, she did not speak of her dress, or the limo, or the party, but the essence of  romance she saw in this clip from a 33 year old movie. Is it possible that many  young people are tired of the garbage that has been fed to them in the name of being with the times and having more freedom? While I am sure they are not asking to go back 100 years, it is apparent that they want some of the elements of courtship and romance restored.

It is not just the girls who feel something is missing, young men are expressing the same sorrow. My 22 year old cousin has spoken to me on more than one occasion that he wished girls were more interested in being courted instead of immediately wanting to take the interaction to an "adult" level so soon after meeting. My guess is thinking they know what the guy is probably expecting, they jump the gun not presenting an opportunity for the possibility of something wonderfully different, the chance to be romanced and  they rob the young men who genuinely want the opportunity to express it.

I wonder how long it is going to take for adults/parents to see that not all young people desire to be a friend with benefits. Maybe, just maybe they want to learn about  those so called "old fashioned, out of date" values that are ridiculed by those who are out of touch with what is really important to people.

Please, say THANK YOU (Part 1)

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God....... I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens............

-From Abraham Lincoln's  thanksgiving proclamation  October 3, 1863

As I read through Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation in it's entirety I could feel  his sense of  urgency in the midst of war of re-directing the nations focus back on the importance of being grateful, so much in fact that he created a national holiday  to serve as a constant reminder to American citizens. Regardless of race or gender, he understood that gratitude would serve as an important ingredient in healing the wounds of the nation and reconciling the losses that the nation had suffered .  Of the many books I have read on manners and social graces, the authors seemed to express that  gratitude  was of the utmost importance in dealing with each other.

Today I fear that many of  us have lost sight of the passion to be humbly grateful wherewith Mr. Lincoln signed the holiday into law. The lack of kindness and gratitude that people are supposed to treat each other with is astounding and it makes me wonder has it just become a day to eat more than we should , watch football and the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade? Don't misunderstand it is a wonderful gift indeed to enjoy these things, but has being grateful just become an shallow external expression that we express only at this time of year so  that we do not become completely self absorbed?

If as our former president so eloquently expressed it we are truly grateful for the abundance that God has given us despite the challenges many of us are facing in this season then Please, SAY THANK YOU, not just today but every day!

In the mean time, it is my hope that you will enjoy the day with your family and look for my next post in which I will share that  how not being grateful can be hazardous to your health.

For Crying Out Loud

Manners are not the character, but they are the dress of the character.

-From the book "Social Etiquette"  (1896)

The Chaperone: Relics of the Past? Or Does Society Need to Resurrect Them?



Sometimes I wonder if many of the practices we deem as antiquated and out of touch with the 21st century are things that need to be brought back into our everyday life like the chaperone. A chaperone, or chaperon, is an adult who accompanies or supervises young people on social occasions. I am sure this practice was more to protect the young ladies than the young men, due to the fact that a young woman's reputation being compromised could jeopardize her prospects for marriage.

 While the attitudes  toward marriage has changed a great deal in the last 100 years, the need to protect young women and young men from themselves is still very much needed. At the same time I wonder just how effective the chaperone really is as many people are always looking for "holes in the fences" of moral boundaries, so to speak.

A hundred plus years ago, young people found ways to communicate and flirt under the nose of the watchful eye of the protocol police. They used flowers, fans and handkerchiefs to convey certain messages to the opposite sex. (I will share more on this in a later blog post). Young people today are just as savvy.  Though "child experts" recommend parents taking protective measures like having their child's computer in the family room so they can see
 what their child is doing when online, I fear their suggestions will not be very effective. Like their counterparts from 100 years ago, armed with social media outlets coupled with their fluency in"textaneese", the internet  and the cell phone are the venues of communication that have become the digital fan, handkerchief, and flowers wherewith they fly under the radar of their parents and other "nosey" adults.

 Courting Bench



These attempts by children to avoid probing into their inner lives does not  mean that things do not have to be in place to protect our children's innocence as long as possible. So much inappropriate behavior through media and television is assaulting their minds and hearts that it is imperative that are systems in place to lovingly protect them and in the right context that is what a chaperone should represent in social settings. Now days a chaperone seems to be nothing more than a person who makes sure all the kids are accounted for on a field trip. 100 years ago a young man understood that when he asked a girl to dance at a party, after the dance he had to bring her back to her protector, her chpaereone, if he came to visit a young lady at her home, he understood that there would be a chaperone in that room (a parent or trusted relative) to make sure that they were on their best behavior during the visit.

Today I read story after story of young men and women participating in very "adult" behavior with no adult supervision and many times those activities find their way onto YouTube or some other social media site for millions to watch.  Even after the initial footage is eventually removed  a virtual "fingerprint" will be on the web forever, because some morally bankrupt people won't keep that type of information to themselves.  Like a virus, it gets passed around from person to person. Sadly when these children become adults, that type of information can possibly come back to haunt them.


Children, especially teens, see this type of supervision as a imposition on their freedom and sadly many parents today see it an outdated practice as they seem to strive more to be their children's buddies instead of their parents. The practice of the chaperone seems to be in direct contrast to this no-boundary, instant gratification society we are now subjected to. They must understand  that the freedom of choice is not without sometimes lasting consequence, and what they found funny and enjoyable in the name of youthful innocence, is now costing them a huge price. Parents and trusted adults, teachers, religious leaders, etc..., have a responsibility to set up protective boundaries for young adults, despite their protests and for their own good.



So I ask you, does the chaperone still have a needed place in society or is it a role (in it's full context) that needs to remain a thing of the past?


What are your thoughts?



 

Where did this come from? (The truth behind the tradition)



Queen Victoria’s dress was of rich white satin, trimmed with orange flower blossoms.

Why do brides wear white? While Queen Victoria was not the first bride to wear white for her wedding she definitely made it popular. In the years to follow not only did brides copy her, it is the accepted color to represent wedding dresses today. Up until Queen Victoria's wedding a woman usually wore her best dress to get married in. Though white has been traditionally recognized as a symbol of purity, it was not, it was a symbol of WEALTH because only a wealthy woman could "waste" a dress by wearing it once because white was extremely difficult to clean back then (and still is today). The color that  actually represented purity was blue.

On a side note, you want to know what motivated Victoria to wear white on her wedding day? She wanted to incorporate some lace she loved into her dress and one way to do that was to wear white. She was not making a stance for purity or wealth, she just wanted to wear some pretty lace on her wedding day!



For Crying Out Loud

Manners transcend social status, race and gender. Courtesy and consideration help to make the unbearable parts of life a little more bearable...a person who is considerate of others is welcome almost anywhere.

Karen Grigsby Bates and  Karen E. Hudson

Profiles in Manners and Social Graces

Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington

Duke's mother Daisy surrounded him with dignified women to reinforce his manners and teach him the importance of living elegantly. His childhood friends noticed that his mannerisms and dapper dress gave him the persona of a young nobleman and  they began to address him as  Duke!

Parents and Social Graces: What Legacy are we leaving?

A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children's children
-Hebrew Proverb

Inheritance-the acquisition of a possession, condition, or trait from past generations

-Websters dictionary

In a previous post, I shared a clip from the 1995 movie "Blast from the past" about a man named Adam who lived in an underground bomb shelter with his parents from his birth until  the age of 35. His parents raised him with 1950's values so when he came above ground (after the time-lock was released) he was a polite, respectful man that was looked upon as strange and out of touch in the rude but pro politically correct 1990's. He meets Eve and her friend Troy who help him adjust to life above ground and to help bring his parents above ground as well. In the process Eve expresses annoyance to Troy about Adam's "perfect table manners". Troy shares with Eve that Adam's parents taught him proper social graces and he never received that type of training from his own parents. This portion of the movie was very telling and points to a very serious problem,  it seems that many parents today are not passing down the legacy of good manners and proper conduct to their children. Is it possible the reason is that their parents did not pass it on to them? or that they feel such practices are outdated and antiquated? 


According to Webster's dictionary an inheritance is more than money and possessions, it is also traits and characteristics that are passed down. I pose a question, what are we leaving to future generations besides money and possessions? Are we leaving them with the skills to treat themselves and others well without which the money and possesions have no lasting value?

Parents are extremely important in the shaping of how their children perceive and interact in the world. They are the  ones who not only do the first introductions for their children on this planet, they are the first role models and are responsible for what they allow their children to be influenced by and what they are influenced by will reflect in their behavior. A colleague of mine took her grandsons to her neighborhood park recently and a bully tried to beat up one of her grandsons. When she intervened to break up the tussle, the father of the bully came over and was going to assault her. The only thing that stopped him was several men in the park stood up  and he backed off, took his son by the hand, walked off scolding him that  he should have finished the boy off.  It does not take much to see that the boy was a bully because his father was a bully and he will not do very well in life if his answer is to mistreat others to get his way. 

 I recently assisted Maura Graber, Founder of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette  with a private class for three elementary school children. In speaking with the parents, it was very apparent that  they wanted their children to succeed and do well and these classes were an investment in their future. Maura shared with me that she has received numerous calls and letters over the years from parents and students thanking her for her classes and the impact of having proper manners and social graces had on their lives. One young man who is now an attorney shared that the lessons on dining etiquette came in handy as his law firm participates in many formal dinner events. Another young man recently married, thanked his parents at his wedding reception for sending him to etiquette classes because he was able to impress his future in-laws with his politeness and in assisting them in setting the table. 

Parents also by their own conduct and behavior can also leave a legacy that benefits their children. Pastor Joel Osteen shared how years earlier his parents were courteous and kind to the new chief of the sheriff's department of their town. They invited him to dinner, offered counsel and support and years later when Joel was trying to obtain the Compaq Stadium for his growing congregation, this same man who was no longer the Chief, but the Mayor of their town was influential in helping them obtain the property. Joel's parents kind and courteous behavior towards this man paved the way for Joel to receive a favorable outcome.

Either way you look at it, these parents planted  seeds that reaped a bountiful harvest in their children's future successes and if their children continue the legacy, their grandchildren will benefit as well.......

........................and that is a rich inheritance that any parent no matter what their social standing can leave .

Where did that come from?

The custom of a man tipping his hat to a woman was derived from a custom of knights in  full armor who would raise their awnings  when they met each other on the road to identify if the other was a friend or an enemy. When hats became a part of a man's daily attire, tipping his hat was the evolution from raising the awning.

The custom of a man walking on the outside of the sidewalk and his wife/female companion walking on the inside of the sidewalk was due to the fact in European towns before indoor plumbing and a proper sewage system was available, people dumped their trash and waste water in the gutter and a woman's clothes could get splashed so this was the man's way of protecting her clothes from ruin.

Manners in Movies

For Crying Out Loud

Your manners are the printed page by which people read what you are inside.

-Dr. Frank Clark

Social Disgrace in social media- The death of modesty.

"Eccentricity must be avoided by those who desire to excel in the art of conversation. A Style that is extreme or odd from it's very conspicuousness call forth remarks. Neglected personal appearance has vitiating influence in conversation no less than in manners...Appropriateness of dress is of prime consideration."

From the book: Our Manners at home and Abroad (1888)

A colleague of mine posted on her blog an admonishment to women to stop posting racy photographs of themselves on their social media pages and on line dating websites. She tried to encourage women that they are more than their bodies and that the clothing they wore (or the lack thereof) was sending the wrong message. For the most part women were supportive of the message but there were a few that opposed her message stating that by pointing out this problem , she was shaming women and accusing them of being women with "loose morals" so to speak. I read the comments  and I can attest that this lady was not "shaming" anyone, they were shaming themselves with these photographs they voluntarily posted on their pages for all to see, but sadly the loud cries of being a killjoy drowned out the voices of reason.

The women also demonstrated an attitude of entitlement that they should be treated well no matter what they were wearing and it is simply untrue and sadly the 21st century has made us more visual than ever and alot more judgemental of what we see. I remember  as a young woman in high school seeing the press conference that 1984 Miss America Vanessa Williams had  to conduct and resign her title due to some nude photos that she posed for  shortly before she was crowned. Ms. Williams did not display an a defiant stance, she admitted to a lapse in judgement as a struggling college student, graciously relinquished the crown and set about to repair her damaged reputation and 27 years later she is a successful singer and actress. Although those photographs will be a permanent chapter in her life, she courageously refuses to let it define her. In her professional career, she also owns the choice and displays her talents in music and television projects that do not exploit her image.

I know there are some that  may use her example as proof that we don't have to let those images define us and we can rise above it, but my question is why present images of yourself that will create challenges down the road for you  unnecessarily? Ms. Williams by her own admission has stated that overcoming that scandal took alot of hard work and determination. I fear today that  if a young woman  today had to deal with that same situation Ms. Williams faced, there would be no blushing or embarrassment , she would stand by her decision and would not apologize. If she did feel embarrassment, there would be plenty of women's groups to suggest otherwise stating that she had the "right" and no one has the right to criticize her freedom of expression. As a reward, she would probably get a book deal, a reality show and be marketed as an "example" to young girls everywhere of positive body consciousness.  It seems that now days, that modesty has died and no one attended the funeral.

The aforementioned quote makes it very clear that what you wear on your body (or don't wear) can elevate or undermine what is spoken out of your mouth. I pray these young women (and men) understand  this before those images could come back to haunt them down the road and testify against them. For those of us who are a little older, we in our youth have made choices we are not proud of I am sure but in the 21st century  where the internet, photoshopping and other technological advances make it easier to form an opinion about someone based on the imaging presented, I believe it to be wise to admonish young children and adults that  things they view as harmless today can damage their image and/or reputation years from now and they may not have 27 years to get it  right.

Postscript:   I have read some blog comments from people who defend a woman's right to post sexualy racy photos of themselves (which they are free to do) on different social media sites like facebook as not a big deal, we should not shame a woman etc. but  this  company started about a year ago reviews peoples social media pages as part of the background check.  A woman may be smart with a degree, but just might lose that great job opportunity because of a shot she put on her page of her wearing just undergarments! Something to think about......


http://www.socialintel.com/home

From their info page:

Social Intelligence Corp solely generates reports based on employer pre-defined criteria, both positive and negative. Negative examples include racist remarks or activities, sexually explicit photos or videos, and illegal activity such as drug use. Positive examples include charitable or volunteer efforts, participation in industry blogs, and external recognition.

Did you know?

The real reason Jackie Kennedy wore gloves was to hide the fact she was a chronic nail biter! Her personal resoulution served as an inspiration for fashionable ladies 
for years to come and kept her nail biting habit from becoming a public display of bad manners!

RETRO VIDEO-Are Manners Important?

For crying out loud

If you talk about class and it's not a reference to a room where people are taught, you have none.

-Anderson Cooper



Profiles in Manners



Chevalier de Saint-George

1745-1799

  He was skilled swordsman, dancer and a gifted musician and composer that had  regular "jam sessions" with Marie Antionette at her request. He gave Mozart a run for his money as well being affectionately called Le Mozart de Noir (the Black Mozart).Quite the gentleman,he was a regular guest at French Court and was known for his impeccable manners.

RETRO-spective: Social graces in courtship and romance.

 "If a gentleman approaches you with words of flattery, and profuse attentions, especially after a short aquaintence, extend no encouraging smile or word; for a flatterer can never be otherwise than an unprofitable companion. It is better by dignified composure, to appear not to notice, than, with smiles and blushes, to disclaim flattery; since these are considered as encouragements for further effusions of these "painted words"

-The Ladies Guide to Perfect Gentility

1856

The translation could not be any more clear! If a guy you barely know "comes on strong", he is up to no good, do not encourage him and ignore his  bull manure! This tidbit of information demonstrates that very little has changed in over 150 years in the relationships between men and women. Men in the 21st century are still trying to flatter women into compromising situations and sadly the "game" seems to have not lost it's power!!!

BUT ladies, you are not off the hook, consider this advice from Louis Martines book of etiquette, 1866:

"Never triffle with the affections of a man who loves you; nor admit of marked attentions from one whose affections you cannot return. Some young ladies pride themselves upon the conquests which they make....let this be far from you. If you see clearly that you have become the the object of especial regard to a gentleman, and do not wish to encourage his addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as you hope to be used with generosity by the person who may engage your heart."

Again the message is clear, a woman is not to play games with the heart of a man who is interested in her but she is not interested in the man. She is to treat him with respect and be forthright with him considering how she would want to be treated by the man who captures her heart.

I wonder what the world would be like if men and women treated each other well in romantic situations, is it possible there would be fewer broken hearts in the world?

PROFILES IN PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF SOCIAL GRACES

Jackie Kennedy Onasis

If you have been watching the news lately,  there has been alot of backlash regarding a recorded interview with Jackie Kennedy Onasis  where she made some very unflattering statements about some high profile contemporaries in the 1960's. Those comments have made some re-evaluate how they feel about her; a woman that has been held in high regard for many years. While the recorded material cannot be disputed  as it reflected her sentiments at the time and perhaps they were some very unwise things to say given her position as the wife of the president; however, I would like to shift the focus to one thing she was known for;her wisdom in publicly dealing with people.

Jackie had a way of making people around her comfortable. Although well read and up to date on current events, if a someone at an event she was hosting or a guest of shared information on a book she may have already read from cover to cover, she would graciously smile, listen with interest as if she had never heard of the book and thank the person for the recommendation. When her husband was on the campaign trail, Jackie was able to remember the names of numerous mayors and convention delegates and at times recalled details about them that added a personal touch. She was able to address every member of her staff at the white house by their name upon meeting them for the first time. If Jackie disliked a person, the person would never know it in social settings. She would treat the people in her presence as if they were the most important people on the planet. They usually did not discover until much later her true sentiment which was expressed  by keeping a professional distance and even then she would not publicly criticize them.

When it came to clothing, Jackie was an icon of style and the muse of  many high end designers; however, when she went to work at a huge publishing house  as the editor, she kept her style simple  wearing tailored slacks and blouses. She wanted eliminate any sense of intimidation that her staff and co-workers would be sure to possibly encounter working in her presence; she wanted it to be known that she was ready to "roll up her sleeves" and get in the trenches with them if need be; and to meet deadlines she often times did. She instinctively understood that wearing couture to the office and putting on airs would do more to alienate people than bring them together.

Jackie knew that she had a huge following of people who loved and admired her. She and her family were often the recipients of numerous gifts starting from when she was the wife of the president . Some of the gifts were things that she or her family could not safely enjoy (one fan sent her family a cake and another  sent a "portrait " of the family made out of rice crispies) things that had to be destroyed by the secret service. The people never knew the fate of their gifts but Jackie always made sure that their thoughtfulness was appreciated by sending thank you notes. If  Jackie were still alive,in  a public setting, and  received a a bouquet of flowers  that she did not care for, you can best believe she would have graciously thanked the person for their thoughtfulness and disposed of them later without insulting the admirer.

Because of who she was, she often used her influence to assist others. Her son JFK Jr. approached her to assist a friend of his who was a young black woman trying to get an apartment in NewYork  but was met with opposition because of her race. Without batting an eye, Jackie wrote a letter on behalf of the young woman and she got the apartment. In another incident, she called on a friend of hers (a medical philanthropist) to help a sick boy who was the son of a manicurist she was acquainted with. After the boy received the much needed care, she sent her friend a thank you note of gratitude for her generosity. Jackie was wisely resourceful in soliciting assistance from friends to help others, but she always expressed profound gratitude at their generosity never taking them for granted.

Jackie was not perfect, she definitely had shortcomings (and plenty of them) and biogrpahers as well as some friends, foes and family have certainly attested to them in their tell all books, interviews and public statements. Despite these facts, one thing that cannot be disputed, that many other friends, family and foes alike have also admitted, Jackie understood the importance of treating people well, being gracious with those who prove to be a challenge, and fiercely loyal to those those who had earned her love and trust.

If you want the world to adore you, you must take a deep interest in other people. Jackie was full of wonder and enthusiasm- with her, you felt you were the most important person.
-Dr. Deepak Chopra

What exactly is ETIQUETTE ??

I have asked people over time what they think of when they hear the word etiquette and usually the thoughts of older wealthy women with little dogs, tea parties, country clubs, and seemingly snooty waiters who turn their noses up at you usually come to mind.  The truth is however that the meaning of the word has nothing to do with the images of wealth and class although it is identified with it. Though many stories  about the origin of etiquette exist,  one of my favorite stories  provides a good explanation for the essence of its meaning.

The story goes that  the gardeners of  King Louis XIV  were trying to do damage control in regards to the lawns and gardens during  the lavish parties that were held at Versailles.  They would post "etiques" (signs) that would instruct the guests to keep off the grass and don't walk on the flowers.  Well, people ignored the memo and the King finally had to tell people they could not go beyond the signs themselves. The word  etiques evolved into the word etiquette which means "a ticket" and served as an invitation  to court functions which provided instructions for correct behavior and ceremonial observations while they were guests of the King and Queen at court. Today the meaning of etiquette has again evolved to define polite behavior in society.

Regardless of  where the true history of etiquette originated, it's definition of  "ticket" beautifully defines the essence of the word. Proper conduct, proper behavior, politeness and kindness which are the heartbeat of etiquette can serve as a "ticket" that can open doors of opportunity when properly utilized. My mentor Maura Graber, founder of the R.S.V.P Institute of Etiquette has shared with me that on many occasions this special "ticket" has served her well in business and in her personal life; not only opening  doors for her, but it has opened doors for those who have learned from her expertise as well. I am not implying that etiquette is some sort of magic wand to make all the "bad" go away, but I am saying that when we take the time to treat ourselves and others well, it creates opportunities to build relationships or at the least it will serve as an inspiration for others to do better.

While only 5 lucky children got the "Golden Ticket" to Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. Everyone can use etiquette as the ticket to help create golden opportunities in your life and the lives of others.

Where are people's MANNERS????

Manner, Manners  O where have you gone??

The rudeness of people make you just want to pull your hair out doesn't it? I find it amazing what we are "treated" to by others on a daily basis; the intimate details of their date the night before via their cell phone conversation, an annoyed customers colorful language to accompany  their displeasure at an incorrect food order, loud gum chewing and a number of other socially unacceptable transgressions against humanity.

This constant assault of coarse, offensive and selfish behavior must end; civility and common decency must be restored.  While people may not always know where the forks and knives go at a formal place setting, they do know the  importance of manners, social graces and the painful absence of them from our world today. They are tired of being treated badly, they are tired of people behaving badly, bad behavior being rewarded and the embarrassing result of this moral decline is we have a generation  that fires people over the Internet,  ends relationships via text message and congressmen who twitter naked photos of their intimate parts to women younger than the invention of the cell phone; and sadly they do this at the expense of their wives and children's dignity.

 Television continues to broaden our "manners-deficient" landscape with plentiful images of reality television faux-lebrities who show up, throw up and beat each other up as fun and entertainment for the masses; where a sex tape is the ticket to the "A" list, and  distasteful public behavior gets you a book deal with appearences on the talk show circut.  Is this the legacy we are leaving the generation that will follow us? Will the circle  finally be complete when people go back to eating with their hands?

It's time for manners  and social graces to make a comeback.

WELCOME, WELCOME

WELCOME, WELCOME

With hands raised and a joyful heart, I  look forward to sharing with you from all the wonderful resources I have aquired in regards to the facinating world of etiquette.